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| Motivational Phrases!
These made me laugh. It's from a contest on the Dilbert blog to come up with the most depressing motivational phrase.
Somtimes the Best that You Can Do...
... is enjoy the warm glow from your dreams burning down.
... is set yourself on fire and pray for rain.
... is move the turd to a different pocket.
... is forget you have Alzheimers.
... is put a price tag on it and call it art.
... is scratch the rash.
... is hope they can’t read.
... involves a shovel.
... is light a match.
... is dig a bigger hole.
... is put it on E-bay.
... is call it an "opportunity".
... is stick a toothpick in it and call it hors d’oeuvres.
... is change the font and resend the memo.
Anyone else have a good one? | | |
| Not a Political Post
 If the current selection of "Republican" front-runners remains the same, I think we can expect a Democrat to win the next presidential election. It baffles me why the party has been unable to produce a major candidate that shares the views of the majority of its members, particularly on values issues like abortion and homosexuality.
With that in mind, allow me to give my two cents on which Democrat you should be rooting for, courtesy of my own field research and personal experience. The focus--Elevator Ettiquette!
While I was a lowly Senate intern in the office of a former presidential candidate, I had the opportunity to enjoy elevator experiences with the Democratic front-runners. The following are my observations on their character based upon those brief interactions.
Hillary Clinton - While I was waiting for an elevator to arrive, I made the mistake of standing too close to the door. No sooner had the bell chimed and the door whooshed open than Hillary Clinton burst out, nearly running me over. I had to dive out of the way, narrowly missing the pantsuited Clinton, whose face was set in a stern scowl and whose eyes had a thousand-mile-stare. I would criticize her for acting as though interns are servants beneath her notice, but upon reflection decided that anytime an intern goes unnoticed by a Clinton, said intern should count their blessings. Grade: C+.
Barack Obama - A few days later, I was rushing to catch an elevator whose doors were about to close. The elevator's only occupant jumped forward and held the door open for me so that I could get in. As I entered and the doors closed, I realized that I was riding in the elevator alone with Barack Obama. I decided to play it cool and act as though nothing were out of the ordinary. Obama stared at the doors, looking a little uncomfortable after his slightly-undignified leap to my aid. We spent the elevator ride in silence, strictly avoiding eye contact in accordance with ritual. Grade: A-.
John Edwards - Believes that the use of elevators is "business as usual" in Washington and refuses to ride in one. Only by refraining from participating in this elitist form of transportation can one avoid being beholden to special interests. Edwards gets around by clever use of rope and grappling hooks. I never rode in an elevator with him. Grade: F.
Dennis Kucinich - Thinks that space aliens stole all the elevators because we won't leave Iraq. Grade: Suspended. | | |
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So, we're married now. That is all. | | |
| Missed Opportunities
If I could go back in time, one of the most important pieces of advice I would give myself is to be prepared for glorious opportunities that I have had to mess with peoples' minds. Case in point: one day I was driving down the highway when I got a call from an unfamiliar number on my cell phone. I answered it, to be greeted by a nervous young man on the other end of the line.
"Uh, hello," he said. "This is Max. I was just calling to complete my exit interview."
I did what most people would have done. "I think you have the wrong number. See you." Stupid!
The instant I hung up, my stomach did a sommersault as I realized my colossal error. What I should have done is assumed an official sounding voice and said "Hello Max. I've been expecting your call. Describe to me your experience with us."
I could have kept that conversation going with vague questions long enough to figure out what the exit interview was for. Then I could have made all manner of amusing comments, posing as a person in authority. Just a few:
"You know, I personally have always thought that our products were for losers." OR
"I was pulling for you to get a promotion to district manager, but it didn't work out." Then, cryptically: "You know what they say. Too many cooks can't beat a dead horse."
I had another awesome opportunity today. I had just gotten off work at Social Security and rushed to Target to buy a wedding gift for a friend who's getting married this weekend. I was walking through the store holding a computer printout (the registry) and wearing a shirt and tie. A confused-looking woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, do you work here?"
I said "Nope, sorry." Stupid! I should have just said "What can I help you with?" It wouldn't have been a lie, and I would have gotten a kick out of wandering around the store with her before handing her off to an employee with a condescending comment: "Kim, would you help this customer? I'm taking Wedding Registry inventory for a high-priority gift acquisition."
I seriously need to be on the ball. I did a few laps around the store afterward making eye contact and looking helpful, but nobody else asked me for assistance. Opportunity knocks but once.
In other news, check out this hilarious web comic: basicinstructions.net
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